I’ve been on benzos for my panic attacks for the last 20 years. They’ve been sedating and miserable but have been the only thing that have done the job. Worse, any temporary lapse in them meant I’d be a quivering pile of sobbing withdrawal.

With the help of a psychiatrist, we found something else that worked, finally. An anti-seizure med, of all things. Sure, why not. Not questioning it. It works.

And after a grueling stepdown process over the course of the last year, rife with mini-withdrawals, I’m finally fucking free of benzos.

And that feels just enormously great to say.

I walked away.

Ultimately, I don’t think there’s going to be any changing minds on that board, and I was twisting myself in knots and refreshing the damn page every few minutes for several hours. That shit ain’t healthy, especially for a place that isn’t going to reciprocate.

I’d rather focus on making content here.

This means there’s probably an anime thread in your future, for which I apologize. ( Except I ain’t sorry. )

There was some confusion about Bingo earlier in the thread.

I’ve had a few weeks to sit with my thoughts, and I must say that I’m actually really grateful that this story had a concrete, definite ending. I’ve never actually seen a story through to the extent that I have with Arx. There are inevitably some loose threads that never got tied off, but not every thread really needs to be.

Every other MU* I’ve been on has just sort of fizzled out like a friendship that’s run its course, but I’m really grateful that this ended up feeling story-shaped from beginning to end. It’s not an ‘ending’ for the characters, and I’m left to tantalizing daydreams about what happened after the curtain fell, and that’s a valuable thing to have.

I haven’t had a panic attack (or even the threat of one) in almost three weeks since I started my newest medication. The absence of that is like being able to breathe again. I hope it keeps up this way.

At work all day:

“Haha, oh man, it’s gonna be so cool to do XYZ with my character(s) when I get home.”

At home:

• Cleaning
• Making dinner
• Spending time with loved ones
• Giving pet all the scritches
• Social Media
• Check in on people on Discord
• TV
• Tired

In bed:

“Wait a minute, I didn’t do the thing I meant to at all! Well, I bet tomorrow…”

3 MONTHS LATER

“Shit.”

I whinged and complained about it in the complainy threads so much that it felt like cheating not to post the resolution:

After a year and a half, I got top bid on a house. And I’m so excited and terrified for the parts that come next, but the hunt is finally over!

After one of my colleagues departed and I got saddled with a lot of extra work, I sat my supervisor down and basically told him that I knew I was being undercompensated. He said he’d do his best, because he wanted to keep the team together, and because we kick ass together (True.)

Four months went by. I started browsing Indeed and such on the regular. Pretty much resigned myself to a 5%ish increase, and it wasn’t going to cut it to stay. Last week, I finally got news from him.

Promoted. New Title - better title than I suggested. 30% raise. 30. Percent.

Remember how I said I wasn’t having panic attacks? This is the closest I’ve come to one, sitting through that meeting, because apparently my body has forgotten how to process extreme amounts of joy. Teared up in the meeting. I had to scamper away directly after the meeting and run into the bathroom and squeal into my hands.

My life feels like it’s starting to come together, all of the sudden.

I was being a shit to Derp and Reimisu, but that’s because they fucking well deserved it for trying to invalidate trauma responses. How this translated into me being a big mean bully is fucking beyond me.

Immature? Yeah, I’ll own that, but only because they were breathing down my fucking neck with their own dogpiling.

I’m frustrated as hell. Like, I legitimately just want them to realize that they’re creating an echo chamber. With pMonique, Derp, Devrex and Reimisu loitering there, a rather insidious one, at that.

Just fucking meh.

Nothing for it.

And now my fucking anxiety is eating me alive because I suck at confrontation.

Rant about the topic, rather than ranting at anyone in this thread:

I loathe the notion that receipts are necessary for any complaint to be taken seriously. Like, especially if they’re of an embarrassing or sexual nature, like… no.

In my case, I divulged those receipts with someone I trusted, they made the call along with a literal avalanche of evidence to ban someone creepy, and no one is fucking entitled to it.

Just fuck everything about that mindset. I know the natural retort is that it’s a slippery slope which can quickly devolve into witch-huntery, but consider also that it’s a slippery slope to making victimized and abused people put their darkest moments on display just to satisfy the internet’s fucking Id.

Fuck off.

Because you know what? We’ve grown as writers! And it’s funny to laugh at ourselves as we earnestly experimented in trying to find our voices.

You and only you are the determining factor for what makes it your worst pose.

I’ll start.

Redwall MUSH, 7/30/1999

Kyan’s breathing quickens, his pulse raises. “You’ll never understand, Lica! You cannot understand this feeling! You cannot understand at all how it feels!” He looks at his paws, still yelling. “You didn’t kill your mother, Lica! You don’t have to see the pain you caused the only family you have left! You don’t know how it feels to enjoy the smell, the smell of blood on your sword, on your body. You don’t know what it means to screw up the lives of your friends, you just know that I am “depressed”, and am acting like an idiot! Well I don’t care anymore! Because I’m nothing like Aren and Hora! I’m much worse.” His sharp tone softens at the last three tones.

I only want to die a little bit reading that. The true embodiment of hilariously grimdark backstory and angst. Because broody, overcapable (and hilariously melodramatic) boys really were my thing in 1999, apparently.

Trying to find a house sucks. I keep finding beautiful houses about 10% out of our workable price range, while everything in my range is like, a murder shack next to a major highway. It’s discouraging and I hate it.

Struggling pretty hard. I’m LGBTQIA+, and it feels like the US is becoming a more hostile place than ever. My partner and I are basically alternating between literal panic attacks and each day’s headlines feel like a fresh hell. Trying to prop up my community members spiraling in group chat, and I just don’t know what to say anymore.

In 2017, it was the stupidest timeline but we just had to knuckle down
In 2025, I’m out of jokes, and this feels like literal hell.

I really resent that simply saying,

“Hey, no, actually, these people you’re trying to make a case for were actually quite awful, and here’s why: …”

Got me the BMD agenda argument.

Like holy shit, did I poll you guys first in my sleep? Do we have a super sekrit Discord server I’m in without knowing it? Do you have me at knifepoint? Am I sleeper agent? Did someone activate me!? If so, I at least want someone to play “Relax” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

@hobos

I hoped my chiming in might lend credence to the fact that there isn’t a wide-ranging conspiracy to try to discredit your friend. Guess I’m drinking the flavor-ade now too, in your view.

I’m sorry that she’s making you feel sick with her quarter truths.

I’m sorry that she’s lying to you.

It’s entirely possible for two people to be completely wrong in their conduct, and one to be more wrong than the other, just as you’re wrong now. Funny how that works.

You were the first person that I played with on Arx. It has been bottomlessly painful to see how fucking off the rails you’ve gone for a cause that you have no evidence for.

I guess my judge of character is pretty shit.

Don’t contact me.

@Pavel

I WILL NEVER INDENT.

Because I’m lazy.

I started going to the gym and watching my calories like a hawk. Inched 5% closer to my goal weight last week. Which doesn’t sound like much, but hey, that’s like… I could be halfway there by June.

I’d love that.

@hobos

We had a lot of fun together. I vouched for you a lot, and kept your stories alive as long as I could in-game, well past their expiration date or even after your ban; past the time that it was wise to have done so.

You go all in on things.

You’re currently all in on the complete wrong thing. Again.

You can’t see it right now, but I hope you do eventually. I don’t see eye to eye with everyone here on everything they talk about, and even I agree that you’re being fleeced.

She sucks, dude.

@Roz

It actually turns my stomach to see her getting away with it after being so profoundly, boundary-breakingly creepy on Arx.

Because we were clearly just arbitrarily mean to her. Like bullies.

While excising my initial criticism which was entirely on topic.

Whatever, I just caught up on the rest of the stuff that I missed while I was asleep, and all I want to say is that we know you can read what’s over here.

I only posted here when I said I was done, and just like Selira, the content of my posts in this thread were materially no different then what I had already been saying.

This isn’t some spooky cabal.

And while you’re at it? Hella is the player of Monique, who lied to the entire fucking player base of Arx about her identity, pressured them to fuck her even when they had do not contact requests, and purported herself as someone brand new while asking about the old version of herself in order to try to get people to shit talk her.

Wonderful new fans you have over there.