I’m so glad there is a space for people to process their feelings, not only as individuals but together. We may “just” be an online community and some of the meeting places may “just” be a message board but it is a real community, and when stuff breaks down it can really hurt.

I don’t want anyone to misconstrue my quietness to mean I don’t care. I do, very much. It’s been hard to see my name invoked in things that are incorrect to me (though I can see why it was done so), or to back up things by people who were hurtful to me personally. But sometimes that’s what happens when people are arguing or trying to cope with what they need to cope with and I’m not angry about it.

I’m not a saint, or some great person and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think me being present during the blow up would have changed anything, I don’t and never did have that much power. For that same reason I don’t think anyone else could influence the decisions that have been made either, except for the people that are right now making them. I thought that stepping down would relieve stress (and it did), and that it would be enough (it wasn’t), because the minute I stupidly engaged in a discussion that I should have known how it would turn out, a lot of that hurt came right back to the surface and for my part in that I’m very sorry, it’s hard to not feel like that didn’t instigate something that shouldn’t have been. I thought I was getting to be over it, but I’m not.

It’s hard to lose access to a place that you once felt like you had a part in. Or to feel less welcome and safe. Regardless of justification but especially when it doesn’t feel like it was and it was abrupt. It’s hard to let go of that and stop looking/reading/whatever. It may not even be appropriate for some people, and that’s of course a decision that has to be made for yourself. I wish I could say something that would help, but I also know I can’t. There’s nothing to say. It did not happen for me on the boards this time, but I have experienced it elsewhere and it was bewildering and angering and made me feel more grief that I thought I should.

To say this has been a dark time for me would be an understatement. Yes, 90 percent of it is factors other than what happened, but what happened triggered some pretty serious things that I still have to be very careful about (as I discovered last night too). I guess I’m not over that either.

There have been several times in the history of “the community” where different boards have existed (and yes even rivalries–ask the dinosaurs, this isn’t the first time this has happened. I think it’s easier now to find/hang on to the friends that you want, and refind others as time goes on. I’ve had friends in this hobby that were close, and then a falling out ended things for years, and then we reconnected stronger than ever. And other relationships with folks that just…didn’t ever re-engage–and that’s okay too. Real life, right? It doesn’t make it less painful in the moment.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I do really love you guys. I wish things had happened differently. I wish I’d been more capable, or it had been a better moment for a whole bunch of people. That things didn’t bubble up exactly the way that they did, because while I can see why people say it’d been building up for awhile, I don’t think it was the best for anyone how it happened. I wish that we all didn’t have so much other shit in our lives that sometimes makes stuff in THIS community feel like the last straw. I think whatever place you land at, and are able to settle into community is good. And yes, even if it’s both. Sometimes having an alternative that you feel more comfortable on and that becoming the new main (or the old main)–that’s a good thing. There doesn’t even have to be a comparison. I like what’s building here. I hope with more hands on deck both here and at MSB people will be able to build what they want. Hats off to the team here for being able to take something like this on board when a lot of the people are grieving at least a little. Sometimes that’s taking on some hard stuff that you don’t notice until later, but I think you are amazing.

There’s a lot of games I’ve been on over the years, so any omissions is more because I can’t remember the names (but I do tend to remember people/situations)

Current:
Arx: Edris, Karina past: Nurie, Ouida, Maren, tried Lailah but couldn’t mesh.
City of Shadows: Fiametta

Past:
Shadowrun Seattle: Nocturnis, Sakura Saito
Shadowrun Detroit: Milla
TCbTT (oWoD): Galatea, Niccola, Chai
A2A (oWoD): Arianwyn, Julia
Metro 2.0 (oWoD): Jade
A handful of other oWoD places, one set in Hawaii, one in Morocco, a few in US cities.
The Reach (nWoD): Ariadne, May, Fremont (changeling app staffer, then later Mortal/M+ sphere head)
CoFaB (nWoD): Gloria
Eldritch (nWoD): Toni (also at BITN)
Mystick Krewe (Buffy): Nanette
Star Crusade (Fading Suns): Naima, Verity, Samina
Battlestar Orion: Kostas
Battlestar Deimos: Enyo
RfK (CoD?): Nathalie
Savage Skies: Donovan, Enid
Liberation MUSH (new owod): Bastian

Brief appearance on Keys as the person who took Fable off the roster. Tried several other ares places at this time, but none of them took (not because people aren’t nice or I didn’t enjoy things, just it didn’t grab me like Arx has).

I’m always looking for new folks to play with/meet. If you’ve told me your alt and I don’t rp regularly with you (or honestly even if we do) chances are I will forget about it. So I’m almost always game for a background tie, ect.

for many reasons both mush related and not i’m really sick of the “keep sweet” mentality that is often pushed on people who push back when someone is being ugly. it’s honestly rather repulsive to me. i’ve had to deal with a lot of “be kind/put other people’s comfort above your own/shut up” through most of my life. i don’t feel particularly bound to be kind to someone who threw shade at a game runner about being irresponsible because the game didn’t last for the amount of time that they thought it would and then even insinuated that maybe they shouldn’t have made the game in the first place because of that. along with the ‘hmm if you’re not perfect maybe you shouldn’t say anything because you know you’re both not perfect’ stuff. that kind of stuff should have died in the 90s and i think it should be called out bluntly every single damn time.

Struggling with significant depression rn. I’m doing ok juggling most things I think. But a bit slower on the uptake/not very much energy right now. At some point maybe I will be less burnt out by life, but man it is really hard. I know I have lots of people right here with me tho.

“let’s all be nice” is a tool of silencing. i think it’s not always intended that way, but sometimes it absolutely is less about actual concern for others and more about that person calling for that being unable to tolerate their discomfort. i think that’s fine outside of the rough and rowdy section. but within it, i’m going to be just honest here with my personal opinon–i think pushing keep sweet on people is being an asshole here.

enforce respectful language. call out hypocritcal stuff. that’s needed. keeping sweet is not, and should not be. maybe my feelings are inappropriately raw for this. i am trying to be respectful, but i’m not feeling kind and i’m not a bad person for not feeling kind about this. IMO.

today was hard, but I made it through.

@CuriousGamer why are you involving me in this?

ETA: if i cared to comment on any thread on MSB, then I would. I do not know why she would want to quote me about anything regarding defending herself, as to my knowledge i’ve never RPed with her (or if I did it was unknowing or such a long time ago and unremarkable as to not really stay in my memory, so it was neither a bad experience or an ecstatic one).

So if she hates me or something, I really have no clue why, unless it’s just a flailing thing, in which case it’s certainly not personal, because I’ve never done anything to harm this person. And I can’t imagine that she could possibly say anything that would hurt me more than other whisper campaigns have in the past (and I have a pretty good track record of being vindicated with those nearly every time someone has tried it). The folks on MSB that would be eager to agree that I’m a terrible person already think that and she in no way could possibly influence that.

As Roz said. It is NOT a kindness to tell someone “hey, people are talking about you!” in a situation like this. I assume there are plenty of people out there who can say all sorts of mean things about me, and probably do. If I had to constantly be vigilant about that kind of shit then I would have even less energy for RP than I do now. I play several places, for the most part very happily, with people who are happy to RP with me, and I’d like to keep it that way.

The MSB split is very painful for me personally and it’s always going to be that way. That’s not your fault, but please be considerate and don’t tag me in like this for this kind of cross board stuff in the future.

Feeling like you are dropping every ball and letting everyone down sucks, even if you know life goes on. I feel like a crappy RPer anyway of late, but its frustrating to fall on my face right now in particular when rl too is just relentless.

There are no “receipts” that people accept in “our medium.”

Someone shows outside of the game communication? It’s always they shouldn’t have worn that dress and also unfair/not game related.

Someone shows a log? “The log was probably edited by someone with an axe to grind!” “Maybe you shouldn’t have been so sensitive. Gee, I would have been flattered and not taken that so seriously!” " Sometimes the person i could have seen as harassing me turned out to be a Nice Guy/Gal once I just talked to them a little more, so let’s give this awkward person a break and you should be more tolerant."

People take the information presented to them and make a decision. That’s always been the case. It’s just who tends to be “the most believable” is a little more diverse than it was during 90s mushing and a lot of “awkward” behavior is a lot less acceptable, and the culture has shifted away from rules lawyering about who “should” be asked to leave.

Reeling a bit from a mispage earlier in the day that kinda took the wind out of my sails.

On the one hand, I guess I know who to avoid in the future. But it’s coming at a really bad place of timing.

It really sucks to feel like you’re okayish enough to pass the time with RP wise if there’s nothing better to do, but you’re not of the caliber where it would be worth engaging in deeper RP with you since you’re just a lightweight bore and there’s nothing substantial there.

I do often feel (as do like 98 percent of the people I know) like i’m the always the unwanted/last person to be picked for the kickball team. I don’t /think/ it’s the reality (and hey if we were all the super popular kickball captains growing up maybe we wouldn’t have gotten into mushing or whatever so it’s just kind of a primal worry for a lot of people. But i’m feeling it super hard tonight.

I’ll work through it (or disappear) but damn. I’ve done my share of mispages but it’s been awhile since I got one and i have to say it kinda really did hurt this time. Even if if it’s from someone that I really don’t even care about!

@catzilla i understand. It’s just that when I see those mistakes I think wow they’re not very good at writing rp hooks before they have a chance to rp the character/maybe they don’t have a sense of them yet. So maybe I’m just willing to give them more benefit of the doubt than some. I’ve seen a lot of looks great on wiki pcs that were very difficult to RP with in practice because either they were rigid about their vision and unable to really RP with anyone or they were selfish in scenes or were only willing to sit back and let others come up with things for them to react to, ect.

People who suck at writing interesting rp hooks can be all those things too. But I just don’t really think rp hooks have much of an impact especially in the beginning stages. Esp as required by CG. I’ve even played on mostly all roster games where rp hooks were rather tepid or limited to profession/very basic and not very interesting stuff. So really you had to just kind of give people a chance. Maybe it’s that experience and figuring why the hell just not give someone a chance, they’re likely not going to be worse than a control freak/rping mostly with themselves sort of player, my views have softened over the years.

Sometimes I think its a fine line. When I invest in a merit that is appearance based i will reference it in play when I feel its appropriate and it is kind of fun when other people do too. I’m sure that may annoy people too but its valid I feel and I try to be careful about not using directives but more like “aesthetically pleasing to many standards” or specific features ect.

I dont know i would put that in an RP hook but mostly because I tend to feel that it seems like an unwitting inviitation for certain types of pests to target (not saying it is an actual invitation or it would be their fault but just all those years of experience and observation make me have a flexible bump of worry especially if its also combined with certain other factors).

But I’m also coming from the perspective of seeing RP hooks as a way to either build a background contact/previous off screen experience to have a reason for play or suggestions on what kind of scenes would be easy to spin up with that PC. And looks are tricky because positive or negative if thats supposed to be a draw for interaction then it fizzles if the other pc is used to seeing monsters/other things even more fantastical or isn’t attracted to in the sense of hmmm id like to try and know this person their other features.

I tend to always be willing to give people a chance for at least a scene or two. Some people just aren’t good at coming up with rp hooks but they’re fine in RP! Other people are actually great at rp hooks but then you feel like they are rping AT you and not even bothering to read what you wrote. Which to me personally is far far more annoying. So I’ve found it a not great indicator of qualify. And they’re outdated very very quickly esp for new pcs.

my school (out for the summer for the academic year program but with toddlers through 6th graders still in care for ‘summer camp’) just had to shut down and is now consolidating the programs to one campus with a higher staff visible presence and two weeks of police patrolling because a threat was called in. it is not considered high risk because a lot of schools have been hit with it and it did not come from a local source.

but still.

we did have a suspicious person show up lingering around the day before yesterday that I saw with my own eyes. He was escorted off property by our staff and that was later moved along further by police.

that is kind of what even early childhood educators have to deal with now.

@Pyrephox while i appreciate the spirit behind pretty much everyone who decides to get into animal rescue volunteering, there are some truly unhinged and weird people/orgs out there.

Like fuck me, i thought doing PTA leadership at the regional level was bad (having to referee arguments within the local PTA/deal with legal issues like embezzlement and threats, ect) but my eyes were opened that it can be a lot worse!

Some of the invasive questions and expectations while clearly coming from a place of trauma/past problems…I think I’d be more worried about people who tolerated that stuff than people who noped out!

I really like reading descs, but prefer it to be on a wiki too. Just because I got trained out of the habit of look <name> after being on a few places where someone looking at someone else was broadcast not just to those people but the ENTIRE ROOM.

As someone with cognitive deficits that pretty much require I’m going to have to reference back frequently that was extremely stressful. I feel ashamed sometimes of how many times I have to backreference things by relooking them up even between poses, and having it broadcast was…meh. And spammy and annoying to everyone else. So I love that many places now integrate both image and desc into their wiki, it’s a godsend for someone like me, as are people who note any unusual stuff in their page (yes my bit name is X but I only introduce myself as Y, here is my rank on places where rank/titles are important, ect)

I also really like it when people incorporate their desc or change of clothing in poses. I know that irritates a lot of people but for me it helps with visualization. I’ve got the opposite problem in that while I enjoy visual images it’s almost always more about the mood, and I actually tend to think of that with others too–I don’t visualize them exactly like their images on their pages either. I think that’s why the AI images don’t jar me terribly unless they’re unintentionally funny, because to me, PB/art/AI to my brain has always been a suggestion.

In the same way the written desc on the character object is a suggestion too. People can look so different with change of expression, and they’re dynamic, not static. This is why people incorporating aspects of their descs or whatever is really enjoyable to me in RP because it is really cool (to me) and helps create that mental picture for me when I’m RPing with someone.

I tend to get a little down when it seems like nobody is paying attention to that, but I know that’s a me thing.

@Jennkryst this is the typical pattern for this guy, he did it for years on MSB.

@bear_necessities maybe it’s just a matter of reading enough of it that you develop a sixth sense. I’m not there yet to be honest. The only time I’ve got pings has been over a bunch of room descriptions that seemed just really off compared to how that person RPed (lots of You feel X when you see in the room descs when they NEVER did that sort of thing in RP, or example. Or when I saw a bunch of things obviously generated at the same time that also appeared together, (like a bunch of room descs hitting the grid at once with a weird similarity that was hard to put a finger on that i probably wouldn’t have noticed just slowly discovering those rooms organically via play/looking for scene locations, ect.

@STD if you tend to have male PCs or they have names that are more gender neutral, you most likely won’t hear from jill

Holy shitballs, i have to say about almost a week in that the cgm is amazing and is already helping me a lot in trying to figure out how I can stay on top of things. I don’t want to get into too big of a detail because most people don’t want to hear it, but if you’re considering one either for medical reasons or I can certainly see why there’s going to be an otc one soon for people who want to use it for health reasons, I’m happy to talk about it with folks via PM or whatever. I’m really glad that my doctor was cooperative and that it’s frankly even more helpful than I thought it would be.

@RightMeow if i’m not sure what to do/where to go regardless of if i’m the asker or askee, often times i just admit that. it doesn’t happen often for me as i’m good at brainstorming, but sometimes i do ask people if there’s anything they would want in particular just because, well, if i don’t know them or they don’t have asps or prefs or anything set i mean i can fling a lot of ideas out there but having someone say no i don’t like that again and again is kind of a bummer too so it never hurts to ask.

but i think it’s also okay to say “this is a little awkward but i hadn’t gotten to that stage yet because i was fretting about asking, so let me think about that for a minute, is there anything that YOU don’t want other than the no-brainers?”

i think anyone that is so hung up on people asking them in exactly the right way the first time upon meeting that they will never scene with you ever again probably isn’t a loss for you. in fact, steering clear of folks like that might be the recipe for happiness on the game so you don’t have to play walk on eggshells. most people aren’t like that. maybe they’ll have a brief moment of annoyance, or laughter because accepting used up all their momentary energy so they need to think too, but they’ll get over it. if they cannot then it would have been only a matter of time before you got yourself disinvited from sceneing with their august person anyway.