Posts made by Bessarion

@bear_necessities Honestly? I get the two of you mixed up in my head. Don’t attribute to malice what is best attributed to me being an idiot. And I don’t want anything to do with you, either.

@KarmaBum I will. I just wanted to make clear that my intentions are good and that I don’t have anything to hide, and clarify this misunderstanding of my rule and how I perceived the tenor of my own actions. I was also afraid that if someone asks me a direct question and I don’t answer, I would start being accused of more duplicity and I was having a hard time navigating how to handle that.

@sao The intention of the rule is about lying about who you are to try and get close with and interact closely with people who don’t want to interact with you, a la DownWithOPP. I was not doing that. I was playing with new players to help them get accustomed to the grid. I was playing with my friends who had apped there.

On Shattered, I was specifically avoiding people who I knew didn’t want anything to do with me. I was not buddying up to them. I joined to play with my own friend circle who is playing there.

If I had been trying to get in with KB and their crew or sidle up to someone else who doesn’t like me, that would be a different story.

@hellfrog Yeah. I fucked up. I framed it as “me being the bigger person” when I was trying to navigate this, because the way I was thinking about it was this – you folks don’t know me from Adam. If I ran into you on the street, you’d have no idea. You don’t know me as a person. You do know the behaviors of mine that you have seen. I figured that if I wasn’t behaving that way and if I was not trying to buddy up to people who I knew didn’t like me, I was doing good.

I did not set out to be actively deceitful. That was not my intention. However, effects are effects regardless of intention, and I seem to have made people upset and uncomfortable with my actions. I am sincerely sorry.

@sao @Roz Yeah. It was a misstep and miscalculation. But it was not done with any bad intentions. I’m not blaming my autism here, because I am more than just my neurotype, but I am very, very bad sometimes at predicting how people will react to things.

I did it because I was afraid. I did it because I am trying to keep my cortisol levels down because I’m in the middle of fertility treatments and I selfishly didn’t want to have this conversation. I thought I could just do my thing and do better and disappear into Bessarion and leave tek behind. It was a miscalculation, and I fucked up.

@KarmaBum And if I tried to even BREATHE as tek, I would have gotten roasted into the stratosphere. You know this to be true. I never would have been able to do anything anywhere without anxiety and fear that people would see the handle and remember me only for my worst days.

I’ve been mending a lot of fences and my stupid, naive plan was to run a great game and then be like, “See? I said I would do better and I did better.”

I wasn’t seeking you out. I wasn’t causing trouble. I wasn’t getting emotionally dysregulated and reacting to my brain’s funhouse mirror distortion of reality. I get now how this was triggering for you folks and I’m sorry that I caused this. Part of my autism is that I have a hard time anticipating how people will react to things, and I miscalculated.

I was just trying to do my thing in peace. I wasn’t going to bother you or your crew on Shattered. I was going to play with my friends who are there and tell my stories. I’m sorry that I made you uncomfortable when you realized who I was. I never, ever want to make anyone uncomfortable.

In the past, I had a bad habit of what my husband calls Being Angry On The Internet. I would spin myself up. I would lash out. I would do dumb shit.

I picked a new handle because I was afraid, and I was ashamed.

@Narson It was one of a couple of places where I advertised my game. I advertised it here because it’s the forum with the most activity and the most traffic. There are more people who post here than the ones who have a personal issue with me, and I’ve gotten some great players that way. Maybe it was a bad move. It probably was.

When I was writing in the second person, I wasn’t speaking to everyone. I was speaking to the individuals who have issues with me, and I am not painting myself as an innocent maligned victim. I behaved very poorly, and they are well within their rights to not want to interact with me. If it ever happened that someone I knew didn’t want to interact with me made a character on my game, my plan was to just give them the same shot as anyone else and interact neutrally and fairly and only when necessary. This isn’t because I am dying to play with them, but out of fear that they wouldn’t respect my privacy if I told them who I was. I was scared of this, but it’s a small community and I figured I could just live and let live and run plot and not be their friend and just let them do their thing. I wasn’t expecting to get any traction at all, honestly, and I’m proud of the safe, friendly, cooperative culture we have been building. I’m worried that I’m going to lose this all now.

I feel like it’s damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I wasn’t going to reply, but I also don’t want to be spun up into another forum bogeyman.

I wasn’t lying about who I was. I was existing anonymously. There is a difference. Lying is what I did when I was dysregulated, reactive, and poorly medicated six months ago. I chose a new handle when I started my new game because I wanted to run a great game and prove that I’ve done the work and that I’m actually working on the behaviors that have hurt people and made them uncomfortable in the past without people assuming the worst of me. I think anyone on that game will be able to say that my behavior and gamerunning style speak for themselves.

I am not denying most of what you folks have said. You had interacted with me during some times when I had poor emotional regulation, improper medication, bad ideas about what made good RP, and my trauma and anxiety (yes, I am Jewish, and I have had to deal with Christmas-related trauma and I am now aware of how to deal with that) were activating all over the place and splashing onto those around me. I’m not going to get into the specifics of how and why I was behaving the way I was on SR because it really doesn’t matter, but I am not proud of the way I behaved back then, and I am not proud of the way I behaved in September.

I wasn’t seeking any of you out and lying about who I was to get close to you. I wasn’t going out of my way to interact with any of you. I was minding my own business. Running my game. Tried to join Shattered to play with some of my friends who were there. If I interacted with any of you, it was peripherally and neutrally in a public scene. I wasn’t bothering any of you, and believe me, those of you who don’t like me? I want to interact with you as little as you want to interact with me.

You all said to do better. So I got help and I was doing better. I only joined this forum to promote my game, against my better judgment. I never should have engaged or posted at all beyond my game ad. That’s on me. I guess I have a distinctive writing style.

All I wanted to do was run my dumb little worm zombie game and play magic flying ponies with my friends and avoid people with whom I had bad blood. I actually have mended a lot of fences over on my game and it’s been really good for me and has given me a lot of perspective.

@farfalla was right. None of you are obligated to be my learning experience. That’s why I was doing my own thing and trying to let my work and behavior speak for me.

Other people make new handles or choose not to link for various reasons, including people who are legitimate bad actors. I think I understand how this must look, given the trauma that all of us have with fuckery in this hobby. I’m not denying that I have caused harm, but I am not a bad actor. I am someone whose mental illness has become other people’s problems in the past, which was not okay and I have been learning the skills to make sure that doesn’t happen again in any of my social interactions, online or off. I am also someone who you guys find annoying. Maybe I got a little excited and chatty on channel sometimes. I am still learning how much is okay and how much is annoying. That’s something I still need to work on, and I am actively learning how to manage that. As an autistic woman who didn’t get diagnosed until her thirties, there’s a lot of things I am still working on.

I own my behavior and I think the work that I’ve done on 6ix Remains and wherever else is showing that I am making a good faith effort to not be the kind of person I don’t want to be.

So if you are on my game and want to leave, that’s fine. I am not bothering any of you, other than posting in the same threads as you on this forum. I’d appreciate if you’d do me the same courtesy of leaving me alone as well, like I was trying very hard to do for you folks.

Jesus fuck. This person deserves to be named, shamed, and yeeted into the fucking sun. Twice.

@Cobalt, I am so sorry you had to read this again to redact this horrific hell-log.

@GF said in Why is Pack closing?:

@Pax said in Why is Pack closing?:

@GF Eh. I like WoD but it definitely brings out the weirdos.

So does every game I’ve ever been on and every game I’ve ever heard people talk about on any iteration of this site.

Yes and no. Some themes draw more people with more problematic behavior. WoD-like games will draw more of the people who never stopped being Those Creeps From WoD Games. Like, Rex/Sovereign can and will (and has) come crawling out of the woodwork, and god knows who he might drag with him.

@Pax said in Why is Pack closing?:

@GF Eh. I like WoD but it definitely brings out the weirdos. It’s usually the vampires being edgelords but say that too loudly and suddenly it’s a competition.

With some people, everything with shifters becomes a sex thing and they go all Shang. This isn’t TS-shaming. This is saying that for these people, their character and their RP all start to center around their kinks, and they think this is what everyone else is there for, too.

@Testament I mean, it’s what I did with the one guy I’ve had to ban so far. He got a warning before I went to bed. I woke up to reported conversations that showed he had not even listened a little bit. YEET.

I know that the game attracted at least one known problem player from past WoD games and I’m pissed that people couldn’t just… not. It was a great game with a lot of potential.

When a trans player feels safe apping a trans character on your game.

What happened?

@Pavel that’s the one. And if you look at his “permission” letter, it’s more like “if you… really want to do that, I guess you can go ahead?”

@icanbeyourmuse So much work for a game in which you can’t really do anything other than have tea parties and watch Bal and Nym play princess

It was suggested that I mention this is an Ares game. Tis!

@Cobalt I hate it when grunt grunt sweat dudes swing their dicks around.

https://6ixremains.thecryingbeard.com/

Welcome to Hogtown, where the brain worms are not metaphorical.

A band of survivors trying to eke out an existence in a city shut off from the rest of the world, contending with formerly-human worm-infested husks, other bands of survivors, supply shortages, and the elements. Will you be one of the few who remains?

6ix Remains is a story of community-building and survival. It is a story of difficult decisions, ingenuity, and finding strength and resilience in the face of overwhelming odds. A story about ordinary people who become extraordinary in extraordinary circumstances.

Just don’t piss off the librarians. They’re armed.

Right now, we are in the leadup to the official Alpha opening. We’re open for CG, RP, low-key events (both staff- and player-run), and testing out ideas, themes, and implementation, with the official plot launch planned in about a month. Feel free to reach out to me with any questions!