Real Life Struggles/Support/Vent

[junipersky]

I took over my brother’s audible account after he passed. Should this be a thing inherited? Probably not. But I’ll pay the money to keep it going for now. I’m listening to the books he listened to, and finishing the series he never will be able to.

It is bittersweet. On one hand, I’m really happy to have this connection with him.

On the other hand… lord he listened to some awful misogynistic science fiction. >.>

[somasatori]

I just fully finished a really tough clinical rotation today. I’m not exactly sure why I expected I wouldn’t, but I had a pretty rough time of this whole exit process. For context I worked as a clinical psychology extern at a VA residential facility for homeless veterans who often had substance abuse issues loaded on top of PTSD, depression, anxiety (typically) and serious mental illness (more rarely). Since my emphasis is in trauma, I worked with people who were highly traumatized using primarily cognitive processing therapy, but occasionally prolonged exposure in addition to substance abuse treatment. During my final staff meeting, they did this thing called Thanks & Goodbyes (T’s & G’s) which is usually done with residents graduating from the program.

The thing that got me the most was that I kind of assumed I was a background player, largely unnoticed and just nose-to-the-grindstone working with my patients. I had a large-ish case load and only taught a couple classes (dialectical behavior therapy, and CBT for Substance Use Disorder). It hit me that I kind of internalized this idea that I was separate from the team, so when people started expressing gratitude or talking about how they appreciated this or that about me I had no idea how to hold it and felt extremely awkward in the moment. I also have a history of substance use, and was very grateful to be able to help people who were currently in a material position that was similar to how I’ve lived in the past. A couple of my patients this year relapsed upon release from the program, and at least one of them died as a result of overdose following relapse, so I won’t say I did a perfect A+++ job, but I always did the best I could and advocated hard for everyone. Having been in that world, I know what it’s like to go through the sobriety/relapse cycle, and fall into an old habit that might be beyond your old tolerance.

Anyway, due to a lot of other things in my life (child, spouse, research, work), I generally feel like I don’t have space to hold the kinds of emotions that I need to have about this experience, and I need to get it out somewhere else I fall into bad negative patterns (see above). So, here I am writing about it, I guess.

[Warma Sheen]

@junipersky said in Real Life Struggles/Support/Vent:

On the other hand… lord he listened to some awful misogynistic science fiction. >.>

There is a lot of that. Sometimes, I think it is harder to find science fiction that isn’t that.

[junipersky]

@Warma-Sheen

Old sci-fi from say… pre 2000’s, I give a little bit of a pass. Yes, annoying af, but I figure they are parroting their upbringing.

Post 2000’s?! That is just WILLFUL misogyny.

Also, side rant. I somehow ended up on straight white man with a grievance against LGBTQ+ issues tok, and I do not like it. They are so sneaky and start out like they are going in one direction but then pivot into bull shit, so I watch most of the video so TikToc feeds me more of the same even though I hit the block button on the creator!

[Pyrephox]

@junipersky I hate that. I had to do some industrial strength algorithm pruning on YouTube due to liking RPGS + computer games + history. This apparently means I desperately want neckbeards telling me how women ruin everything, and a whole bunch of Nazi-adjacent nonsense. And even after you block and say ‘stop showing me this’ and get it pruned down?

All it takes is one damn ‘crossover’ sort of video before it all comes flooding back.

[helvetica]

@junipersky ngl a lot of my algorithm is just videos of koalas slowly being cute. it’s times like these that I’m grateful.

[crawfish]

Dealing with the nuclear bomb that is stage 4 pancreatic cancer in one of my favorite people to walk this planet, I gotta say it makes you plug all the energy leaks in your life very very quickly. When people say they no longer have tolerance for bullshit when things like this happen, it’s a thing. Feeling guilty for having any kind of joy is a thing. Feeling a desperate driving urge to drop everything and fly across the country to try and not feel useless as the person you love and their family drown in the real, heartbreaking, fucked up tragedy of it all is a thing. So I’m sorry I’m not around. I’m sorry I’m quiet. I’m sorry that all of my focus is on something so harrowing and important; I have to bear witness to this. I’m not going to choose anything different.

ETA: I can’t keep screaming with my family about this, so the void of the Internet will have to do.

[Testament]

@crawfish With things and real issues such as that, I don’t believe there’s any need for an apology required.

Do what you need to do.

[Cornpopped]

@crawfish I’ve been exactly there. It sucks so much. Screw anyone who can’t give you some grace right now.

[Coin]

It’s a harrowing experience. I know how you feel.

[TNP]

Yeah, fuck cancer.

[Wuff]

Waiting weeks for the new lenses in your existing frames to be put in. I remember when reading wasn’t mean to give you headaches.

[WhiteRaven]

This post is deleted!

[Jennkryst]

@WhiteRaven I don’t know if this counts or if it helps or whatever, but.

I don’t know if it’s some level of undiagnosed bipolar or just the ADHD that we for sure know about, or if it is a third, mysterious and unknown thing. But I unintentionally ghost people from time to time, either because I just don’t have the energy to log back into places, or I worry that I’ve annoyed people TOO MUCH by trying to stay in touch despite not really hanging out on the same games so I stop talking, but then has it actually been TOO LONG since I talked last? It would be weird for me to break the silence. Lets just let it go on for a little longer. Apologizing for the silence is awkward, maybe we pretend it never happened.

… rinse, repeat, ad nauseum. To the point I have a job application sitting in my car, waiting to snail-mail in to a job that just might finally get me out of the dumb restaurant, but… I’ve had it for so long. It would be weird to send it. Or scheduling car maintenance. Talking is hard, the car won’t break if it goes a little over in milage. What’s that, you say? 5,000 miles past the ‘next oil change’ recommendation, you say?

Uh, where was I? Right, ghosting.

So it might not be ghosting. It could just be ‘things would be weird’. So maybe give her a fresh reach-out/poke, because it could just be a mixup. Unless she specifically told you to fuck off, but that doesn’t sound like what happened.

[Pavel]

@Jennkryst Not going to diagnose or anything, but that description pings every ADHD sensor I have. So you can definitely use that label if it helps you.

[Sanguine]

@Jennkryst Well I suddenly feel both seen and called out all at once. Thanks. I think.

[Jennkryst]

@Pavel oh, yeah, I got the ADHD diagnosis like… 30 years or so ago, so no worries about overstepping there. It’s more a question of WHAT ELSE. But that costs money, gonna live in chaos instead.

[Pavel]

@Jennkryst said in Real Life Struggles/Support/Vent:

It’s more a question of WHAT ELSE.

In my experience the answer is, what we professionals call, fucking everything.

[Jennkryst]

@Pavel Well, yeah.

[Pavel]

@Jennkryst Oh, if you want the answer to that… it’s probably your parents.