My muddy chaos demon

My peeve is me. I want to get back into MU*ing, and have not one, but two games lined up that I want to check out. (Maybe even three if for whatever reason the first two don’t work out!) Both are run by friends whom I respect and admire; whose creative projects I want to support; and whose ability to run good, healthy games that I’d enjoy I have complete faith in.

It’s just been so long since I’ve fully invested in a MU* that I feel like I’ve practically forgotten how to. I’ve been in creative lulls like this before, and I know that if I just get my foot in the door, roll up a character and get myself into a scene, it’ll all come back in an instant, like I never left the hobby at all. I’m just finding that initial step weirdly harder to surmount than it should be.

To the multiple friends who might be reading this, and to whom I’ve made empty promises about rolling up to hang out with on a MU* in recent months, I’m sorry. It’s really not you, it’s me. (A phrase I know always feels like bullshit on the receiving end, yet is legit, in this case, true.)

Marginally related peeve that I’m sure other alumni of this game can relate to: I hate the extent to which PHSD (Post-HavenRPG Stress Disorder) lives rent-free in my mind. Experiences on that game have made me intensely skittish at the very first sign of red flags on any other game I’ve checked out since, and permanently damaged my ability to put faith in game staff on the whole. It’s not the main reason I’ve been flakey about checking out the two aforementioned MU* run by friends of mine, but it has made me bail a lot quicker than others deem reasonable, on other projects, recently.

When there are so many good gamerunners out there whose proven track record makes me feel safe to put my complete trust in, it just no longer feels worth it sticking around after the first sign of trouble anywhere else, hoping/expecting things might get better or continuing to make excuses for staffers displaying strong red flags. I did that for years longer than I should’ve on HavenRPG, and I’m not prepared to do that for a day longer anywhere else.

It also makes me feel much stronger appreciation and gratitude to those gamerunners out there who’ve proven their commitment to their players’ safety time and time again. And to these boards as well, which promote healthy communities & staff practices, and which hold the hobby to a higher standard than I’m regrettably used to seeing.

There are a number of posters here on these boards who don’t know me at all, whom I’ve never spoken to one on one, whose positive contributions to this community have meant a lot more to me than they could possibly realise.

Finding out someone I felt uncomfortable with, but not uncomfortable enough to openly voice my objections to:

1. Actually has a known history of much more serious permutations of this behaviour on other games
2. Was already shown the door on my current game without me needing to say anything

Thank u yes I knew I wasn’t just crazy, and I am so happy to know I’m now playing on a game with safe, healthy, vigilant staff.

I totally feel for people saying they don’t page people because they feel anxious etc.

My quibble is that, while I have no official numbers, I estimate that if I were to take a poll, 90% of this hobby would say they are anxious/autistic/depressed etc.

I hold it against no one for not making the first move. But I do think that past a certain point of familiarity, if you’ve been playing with someone for a long time, and you care about them, you are morally obligated on some level to force yourself to be the one who reaches out and initiates stuff from time to time. It’s the same with relationships. I’d be sad and insecure if my partner was always dtf when prompted but never initiated. I’d wonder if they actually like me or just like that I’m convenient.

Labour isn’t easy for anyone but you should still make the effort for people you value. Otherwise they won’t know you value them. You wouldn’t like feeling that way. That’s why you like it when they do the work, right?

Every few days I wake up feeling creatively inspired and motivated to start something new. Roll up a new concept, join a new game/community, maybe even start my own game. The ideas and plans really turn into these full-fledged beings and worlds just begging to be written. Sometimes I even reach out to friends on Discord and let them know that I’m warming up to dive back into MU*dom or that I want to embark on an ambitious project.

Unfortunately, then I look at the date and realise I’m already late to meet RL deadlines. In the background, my mysteriously athletic Siberian Husky (seriously, how and when did my pandemic puppy get this buff?) makes her stance clear that if I’m awake enough to be sitting at my laptop, I am definitely awake enough to be giving her the first of 2-3 hours of exercise she’s owed, and no amount of focus will be permitted today until she’s been tired into a coma. And so the muse continuously dies unspent.

I miss escapism and creative writing.

The inevitable paranoia I constantly feel when friends talk shit about our other friends, and then I can’t help but wonder what they’re probably also saying about me.

Part RL peeve I suppose, but we are a gossipy hobby.

@Testament said in Bannings:

@Herja While I realistically wouldn’t expect it, I however would not be surprised if they somehow did the mental gymnastics to allow either Cullen or Dropkick to start posting there(I’m pointedly not including DWOPP in that because I can’t imagine any MSB staff being so oblivious to be okay with that). I would rate the things that Cullen did and what Hella/VK did to pretty near each other. So if they let one of them there…

Like I said, I’m not expecting but, also my expectations are exceedingly low at this point.

I would just like to say, loud and clear, in case anyone missed or somehow doubts this memo, that Cullen’s player is an actual, literal, real-life rapist.

I would love to post receipts. Dearly I would. Unfortunately that would be A) doxxing him & B) not my story to tell, not my receipts to share, and not one of his victims’ duty to publicly bare their trauma for the satisfaction of sealioning, misogynistic chodes.

I cannot adequately express the degree of livid I feel at some of the insinuations made on MSB these past few weeks; or how much it sickens my stomach to imagine that anyone would argue he deserves to be allowed back into community he’s abused for years to do it all. Over. Again.

I do not believe in second chances, not for him. He’s had a hundred already and abused them all. No.

But I hope making that case, or at the very least making light of the notion, is worth the internet points that MSB’s new boys’ club gets to reap at the expense of other people’s trauma. A categorical fuck you. Check your privilege, “simplications”.

eggshells 🫤

Feeling like … I can only scene with you as long as I am very polite and mindful and watch my step and am on my best behaviour. Which is a very reasonable thing to expect of anyone. But also I don’t like feeling tense like that, so if RP always feels like a first date or a job interview, I think I would rather just avoid and hang out with friends who take themselves less seriously and let me fart around.

My snow dog is not enjoying the scorched English savannah right now.

I’m not sure why that photo came out with a lens flare. I didn’t do it on purpose, so I think it’s her natural radiance emanating them wherever she goes.

She is, however, remarkably well camouflaged for this weather. As you can see, in this picture she’s completely disappeared. I bet you can’t even see her now.

The last two threads on MSB serve as an excellent reminder that misogyny and Authoritarianism often go hand in hand. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire, and neither should be trusted in a position of power.

That was sinister to watch, but I’m glad they’ve at least revealed themselves.

One side is “accidentally” doing Nazi salutes twice

And the other side suddenly cares now that it’s not their side’s cause du jour doing it

I’m stressed. I’m concerned.

EDIT: air quotes added for /s clarity.

@KarmaBum said in MU Peeves Thread:

@Kestrel I read everyone’s desc. I like reading them. Writing them can be a challenge sometimes, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.

If we don’t keep challenging ourselves as writers and creators, we’re going to wind up RPing nothing but Movie Nights and Karaoke, linking to images of our outfits instead of actually (wait for it) describing anything.

Rabble rabble kids these days.

I don’t think we shouldn’t describe stuff. I just think we should only describe stuff that matters, when it matters.

It’s the Chekhov’s Gun principle. If it’s not going to go off in the second act, it doesn’t need a paragraph describing it in the first.

There are games where you’re encouraged to write a paragraph describing every garment your character owns, every object in a room, every body part, etc. For me, “a white T-shirt”, “a mahogany desk” is sufficient. And if your character’s a musician then it’s relevant that they have “pianist’s fingers”, if they’re a lumberjack it’s relevant that they’re callused, but otherwise I don’t care about their hands.

I have never and will never use ChatGPT to do my writing for me. But the stuff I see people using it for is almost always stuff they feel obligated to write that actually didn’t need to be written at all.

I would rather (can, and do) write 3 paragraphs describing something in the space of 10 minutes, during a scene, when it’s relevant setting — than 1 paragraph prep work with unlimited time. It’s drudgery that saps my motivation to play. Maybe it’s my ADHD but honestly don’t think I’m the only one.

@Warma-Sheen said in MU Peeves Thread:

@Pavel said in MU Peeves Thread:

@Third-Eye I wonder how long it’ll be before staff start requiring people defend their applications like one does with a dissertation, just to weed out those who wrote their backgrounds with an LLM.

This is what they get for still having people write out backgrounds that will never again have relevance once the app is approved.

Said it before and people totally misunderstood my stance as defending AI — I’m not:

The stuff that people commonly replace with AI these days, the drudgery that no one wants to write and no one wants to read (typically descs, filler text) is stuff we should just culturally outgrow as a hobby.

@Pavel said in MU Peeves Thread:

@Third-Eye I wonder how long it’ll be before staff start requiring people defend their applications like one does with a dissertation, just to weed out those who wrote their backgrounds with an LLM.

There are apps that can detect with relative accuracy whether something is AI-written or not.

And I am completely 100% in favour of outright banning all use of AI-generated art and LLMs on any game.

I hope everyone who lives in or has loved ones in LA is safe.

@TNP said in Pets!:

She’s dying. The most important part of my life is going to be forever lost to me along with our little boy. I’ve scheduled a vet to come tomorrow. I just wish the vet could have a second shot for me.

I’ve felt keener grief for animals in my life than I have for humans. I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

Finding out someone I felt uncomfortable with, but not uncomfortable enough to openly voice my objections to:

1. Actually has a known history of much more serious permutations of this behaviour on other games
2. Was already shown the door on my current game without me needing to say anything

Thank u yes I knew I wasn’t just crazy, and I am so happy to know I’m now playing on a game with safe, healthy, vigilant staff.

I totally feel for people saying they don’t page people because they feel anxious etc.

My quibble is that, while I have no official numbers, I estimate that if I were to take a poll, 90% of this hobby would say they are anxious/autistic/depressed etc.

I hold it against no one for not making the first move. But I do think that past a certain point of familiarity, if you’ve been playing with someone for a long time, and you care about them, you are morally obligated on some level to force yourself to be the one who reaches out and initiates stuff from time to time. It’s the same with relationships. I’d be sad and insecure if my partner was always dtf when prompted but never initiated. I’d wonder if they actually like me or just like that I’m convenient.

Labour isn’t easy for anyone but you should still make the effort for people you value. Otherwise they won’t know you value them. You wouldn’t like feeling that way. That’s why you like it when they do the work, right?

Not a meaningful complaint. I know I’m being a silly insecure baby about it.

But I wish the person I’ve been playing with for years, who always expresses unequivocal enthusiasm and joy about our scenes, would sometimes actually initiate them, seek me out, invite me to games they’re on, so my brain weasels would stop making me doubt whether they actually want me there.

They always say yes when I ask but why is it always me asking.

So I really like it when someone can play a compelling sociopath who’s highly manipulative and intelligent. I think this is usually a more interesting kind of foil than just Punchy McPuncherperson.

But when they get caught and then try to lie about it OOC it’s a weird … sticky feeling.