Real Life Struggles/Support/Vent
-
@junipersky unfortunately this is the nature of the whole system. It’s incredibly slow and inefficient because trying to handle the intimate details of family life through an adversarial process is really stupid. We just don’t know what else to do so we try to force square pegs through round holes.
-
@mietze First off, thank you for responding like this. I appreciate a differing opinion because I have a hard time assessing a situation from beyond my own viewpoint.
These are the friends where we’ve gone against our gut, given it another five goes, and been optimistic about the future. This, however, is the first time we’ve spent an extended period with them and their kids and it has been very telling.
There were a lot of things I didn’t get into in the last post, it would have been too much and it would have been a wall of text that’s just whinging. There will be some more details below.
@mietze said in Real Life Struggles/Support/Vent:
But yeah, there are a handful of folks where I have been, “You know, I enjoy doing X Y, or Z with you but I think we should do it without the kids,” too.
This is perhaps the core of the whole thing. Sometimes it is better to do things without the kids, but when the kids are there, it is unfair/dangerous to act like they are not. Approximately 90% of the holiday, the mother of those children was interrogating my wife about something or other while the father was on TikTok watching memes. This happened at the holiday house, at kid-friendly events, when we were out to eat, etc etc. It was happening while their baby was hanging out of a high chair held in only by their neck. It was happening in a car park while their oldest kid was walking into traffic. These are the aforementioned “saved from serious harm” incidents that I remember.
Part of my issue is that I consider parenting a 24/7 task, so I cannot turn off my instincts. It doesn’t help my own wellbeing much, but it does mean I’m aware of what the kids are up to even if I’m not actively watching them. To have children around who are visibly not having their emotional, physical, or safety needs met triggers extreme caution in me.
The number of times I turned and found myself next to their infant with them nowhere nearby was approaching double digits. One of those times, they were fifteen metres away arguing over a frozen drink they were going to buy for themselves.
Finally, I will never forgive a parent that scoffs and walks away when their child asks for a kiss and cuddle good-night.
I would never consider them aunty or uncle to my children. After this trip I wouldn’t allow them within fifty metres of my children without me being there.
-
@Hobbie yeah that sounds like a nightmare! There’s only so much you can do as a friend, and I think just about everyone would struggle having to deal with that, especially when it is a consistent pattern. Hopefully this will relieve a lot od stress in your life. I hope cutting out people who dont add much to your life but that level of stress ahd disappointment gives you a little more peace!
-
@Aria Small update here, the angel cat I’ve been speaking about got into a territorial dispute on my driveway at 2AM today that woke my wife and I up. With it being so early in the morning and noting the pattern of activity, I can now solidly argue that the cat has been abandoned. I’m going to be looking into trapping her for her own good.
-
@Hobbie This sounds a lot like what my friend’s ex said about him…
-
We got a verdict.
Termination of parental rights.
We tell the child Friday, and goodbye visit is the 24th.
I’m slowly trying to build the girl up to it by dropping hints like “Caseworker doesn’t want to see us at home.”
“Caseworker wants me to come home for the visit this time so both of us are there.” (Often just one of us is home for them because the other is at work.)
“It feels like this visit is going to be different.”
“I can’t wait for you to come to my middle school!!”
-
@junipersky Just so I am clear, because my brain wants to be THAT WAY, today, it was in your favor? If so…
-
@dvoraen Even if it is in their favor, it’s still a day that is deeply mixed because of the pain and trauma that is associated with it. Every adoption is a broken family, even if it’s in the best interest of the child. There is no adoptee without adoption trauma, and the same goes for natural parents, even those who voluntarily gave up their parental rights. It absolutely is a special day for their family, and also it is one that likely comes with other emotions as well.
-
When you make a bigger payment on a credit card debt, but it doesn’t count as making the monthly payment because it cleared an hour before the system ticked over. And you have to make the real payment still as a result.
-
Yeah, it went the way we were hoping. She has said goodbye to her parents until she is after 18 (or they can prove to us they are clean and stable and that relationship can be reopened therapudicly).
Now it is a long journey of waiting for them to decided any appeals and/or the judge closes the books completely and clears them for adoption.
It is a lot of mixed emotions. I’m so happy to have her away from the confusion of visits that don’t go well. I’m so sad she can’t go back to healthy parents though. That is the purpose of foster care and it wasn’t achieved this time.
